MY VERY FIRST ENTRY IN MY ADVICE COLUMN:

DEAR PHILLY: I am becoming rich and ever more shallow, what is your advice? ASSFUCK.


DEAR ROBERT LITTLEJOHN, I MEAN, ASSFUCK: Drink at least one glass of FRESH young coconut water per day. Buy it as a whole coconut and crack that sumbitch open. Get some good dried greens like Green Vibrance. Drink that first thing in the morning. Aside from fruits and vegetables, eat mostly wild salmon, organic fresh from the farm eggs, and only eat grass fed, local, humanely raised beef- especially great are Scottish Belty (sp?) cattle. Hike at night with a headlamp. Get some Tibetan monk chant music and listen to that early in the mornings like 3:30 am while you breathe and stretch, sort of like yoga but without instruction. Feel your way through it and empty your mind. Don't worry how stupid you look. Now, most important, watch nothing but gruesome death on the internet- disasters, suicides, suicide bombings, war footage, starvation, car crashes, mutilations, animal maulings, scenes from the holocaust... Then, in this order, read Celine's, Journey To The End Of The Night, then Death On The Installment Plan, then move on to anything by Henry Miller and then onto Bukowski, maybe Ham On Rye or Women. Read these straight through, back to back, a good 30-40 pages a night. After that, message me again and we'll get to the good stuff. Good Luck ASSFUCK. Shit, I almost put a comma there!