Monday, June 29, 2015

FROM DOWN THERE

I feel like I can do almost anything. But from up here, man, I don't even like to breathe in the air.

I DON'T KNOW, DOC

It's pretty deeply ingrained. It all comes from this part of me that's never been able to accept that any of this is actually happening, that I'm even me.

BORING

Look, let me break it down for you, man. You're boring. You're fucking boring. You're boring everyone here. Hey, I'm sorry to be so harsh but you gotta hear this shit. You're fucking boring. At least from what I know of you, from what you've shown me. And, look, there's absolutely nothing wrong with being boring. I LOVE boring people. They're good for me to be around. I'm not sure why but they are. So that would be fine. But you're trying to not be boring. You're trying so hard to be the opposite of who you are. And that's what's boring. You're obvious. You're uncomfortable with yourself. Just let go, man, and be boring. Just listen. Pay attention. And before you know it, you probably won't be boring anymore.

THE DOUBLE LIFE

I don't know, man. Isn't life already a double life?

GET USED TO IT.

Hey, man, it sucks to realize you are completely alone. And you always have been. There is not one possible thing any other human can do for you… I mean, you know, with what WE'RE talking about. It's been years since I've lived more than maybe a couple of minutes outside of sleep where I didn't feel like I was in one of those movies where all of a sudden the main character realizes pretty much everything he knows might be a lie. That's where I'm at. That's what I'm working on. Trying to get used to that.

Friday, June 26, 2015

EXCELLENT READING:

I'm going insane I think Postby fluke30 » Thu Mar 15, 2012 11:15 pm 95% of the time I'm just existing, relaxing, living inside my head. I'm completely at peace with everything and the universe around me. And then some days I get this intense urge to do something. I keep trying to find anything to associate this urge with. Anything, but I'm not doing anything. The schizoid part of me just has so much control and is so rational that it just solves all my problems. But I'm going to snap. I need something to do. Just Existing Is Driving Me Insane!!!!!!!!! Last week I saw this girl and I just instinctivley went up to her to ask her out, no thoughts, just was gonna do it, but then my friend said, leave that girl alone, so I just said I was going in the same direction towards the chocolate part of the store. I used to be like this before I was 12, just doing things, being a fun person, then a voice appeared in my head that said "Think about what you do before you do it". I can understand that it was a good voice and all. But a tiny part of me wants to break, go insane. We don't live in a world of reality, we live in a world of perceptions. ~ Gerald J. Simmons User avatar fluke30 Consumer 6 Consumer 6 Posts: 404 Joined: Thu Feb 02, 2012 10:55 pm Local time: Sat Jun 27, 2015 2:38 am Blog: View Blog (0) Top ADVERTISEMENT Top Re: I'm going insane I think Postby coldplayer » Thu Mar 15, 2012 11:23 pm Been there, done that, got the t shirt. Life is so mundane and boring for me. Just awfully repetitive and dull. A whole bunch of nothingness. Most of the time I am content and then once in a blue moon I have these moments where I get so ######6 tired and bored of being tired and bored!!! Its so frustrating! Did you really hear a voice though? :shock: coldplayer Consumer 6 Consumer 6 Posts: 259 Joined: Tue Jan 10, 2012 10:23 am Local time: Fri Jun 26, 2015 9:38 am Blog: View Blog (0) Top Re: I'm going insane I think Postby ALostAlien » Thu Mar 15, 2012 11:28 pm lol ''Leave that girl alone'' SILLY LITTLE PRICK :lol: , i feel like this too a lot, i feel depressed from it too :cry: DX- Bipolar disorder, Antisocial,Schizoid,Narc Traits. ALostAlien Consumer 6 Consumer 6 Posts: 278 Joined: Tue Mar 06, 2012 9:12 pm Local time: Fri Jun 26, 2015 2:38 pm Blog: View Blog (0) Top Re: I'm going insane I think Postby Solitarian » Thu Mar 15, 2012 11:43 pm Me too. All I wanna do is nothing, and it isn't any fun. I used to watch tv shows, but they're just too slow, predictable, repetitive, and lame. I find myself fast forwarding through the emotional scenes, and the slow parts. I'll even jump 5 seconds forward when someone is merely walking into a building and I'm too impatient to wait for them to get there. I skip through books as well, I just want to get to the point. I guess I feel like I just want to get to the point of life. I'm not sad or depressed, just stagnant. I'm most content when I simply ignore my situation. I sound more miserable then I am. Did your friend not want you to talk to the girl because he knows you'd be no good for her? That's kind of how I feel about myself. I don't want to be with anyone, but I know if I were, I couldn't give them what they need to be happy. They wouldn't make me happy either. I wish life had more meaning or at least more to do. Why don't I just run away? I could travel the world and see what's out there. I could explore and live off of what I find and the kindness of strangers. I could steal a ship, and just sail away, become a pirate and never apologize to anyone. Everyone's lives are so 2 dimensional these days. No variety, no excitement, no adventure. Criminals have all the fun. User avatar Solitarian Consumer 6 Consumer 6 Posts: 271 Joined: Wed Mar 14, 2012 3:12 am Local time: Fri Jun 26, 2015 2:38 pm Blog: View Blog (0) Top Re: I'm going insane I think Postby fluke30 » Thu Mar 15, 2012 11:49 pm I've never been able to make a single decision in my life. So I generally look at life from the perspective of so many different people and now I'm out of people. And I have to make decisions, and I don't know what to do. No one has ever told me what to do or who to be. Ever supported me or influenced me. I have such a head ache. Everyone around me seems real, they look sound and smell so real. But I'm just not there. I don't know where I am. I'm not anybody. I'm just existing and I need to be someone. Also I think I'm narcoleptic, I don't fall a sleep during the day but I really want to. Solitarian wrote: Me too. All I wanna do is nothing, and it isn't any fun. I used to watch tv shows, but they're just too slow, predictable, repetitive, and lame. I find myself fast forwarding through the emotional scenes, and the slow parts. I'll even jump 5 seconds forward when someone is merely walking into a building and I'm too impatient to wait for them to get there. I skip through books as well, I just want to get to the point. I guess I feel like I just want to get to the point of life. I'm not sad or depressed, just stagnant. I'm most content when I simply ignore my situation. I sound more miserable then I am. Did your friend not want you to talk to the girl because he knows you'd be no good for her? That's kind of how I feel about myself. I don't want to be with anyone, but I know if I were, I couldn't give them what they need to be happy. They wouldn't make me happy either. I wish life had more meaning or at least more to do. Why don't I just run away? I could travel the world and see what's out there. I could explore and live off of what I find and the kindness of strangers. I could steal a ship, and just sail away, become a pirate and never apologize to anyone. Everyone's lives are so 2 dimensional these days. No variety, no excitement, no adventure. Criminals have all the fun. I think my friend just wants me to himself, not in a homosexual fashion, but he wants me to be his... And being a pirate would be awesome!!! We don't live in a world of reality, we live in a world of perceptions. ~ Gerald J. Simmons User avatar fluke30 Consumer 6 Consumer 6 Posts: 404 Joined: Thu Feb 02, 2012 10:55 pm Local time: Sat Jun 27, 2015 2:38 am Blog: View Blog (0) Top Re: I'm going insane I think Postby coldplayer » Fri Mar 16, 2012 12:07 am fluke30 wrote: I've never been able to make a single decision in my life. So I generally look at life from the perspective of so many different people and now I'm out of people. And I have to make decisions, and I don't know what to do. No one has ever told me what to do or who to be. Ever supported me or influenced me. I have such a head ache. Everyone around me seems real, they look sound and smell so real. But I'm just not there. I don't know where I am. I'm not anybody. I'm just existing and I need to be someone. Also I think I'm narcoleptic, I don't fall a sleep during the day but I really want to. Your words really resonate with me. Im so indecisive about everything as well. Probably because I dont care about much and because I am so anhedonic, nothing really inspires me to do anything. Its like hmmm... what to do today? Blah or meh. :| I always say I "exist" vs. living as well. Im much more of a perceiver of life than a participant. I can only complain about it to an extent because it is not as if I feel a drive to do something. Life is so stagnant. Its like this world was created without a niche for me. -- Thu Mar 15, 2012 7:08 pm -- Solitarian wrote: I wish life had more meaning or at least more to do. Why don't I just run away? I could travel the world and see what's out there. I could explore and live off of what I find and the kindness of strangers. I could steal a ship, and just sail away, become a pirate and never apologize to anyone. Everyone's lives are so 2 dimensional these days. No variety, no excitement, no adventure. Criminals have all the fun. I wish life had more meaning too. I always fantasize about trekking the world, but its so costly and I really don't want to be forced to engage with strangers to survive. coldplayer Consumer 6 Consumer 6 Posts: 259 Joined: Tue Jan 10, 2012 10:23 am Local time: Fri Jun 26, 2015 9:38 am Blog: View Blog (0) Top Re: I'm going insane I think Postby Mr.Pokeylope » Fri Mar 16, 2012 12:45 am Yeah, life is a bore. I don't want to rush it, but if I'm dying I don't want any life prolonging procedure to be performed. I just want to be done. Two's A Crowd User avatar Mr.Pokeylope Consumer 3 Consumer 3 Posts: 76 Joined: Sun Mar 13, 2011 8:18 pm Local time: Fri Jun 26, 2015 2:38 pm Blog: View Blog (0) Top Re: I'm going insane I think Postby fluke30 » Fri Mar 16, 2012 1:48 am coldplayer wrote: fluke30 wrote: I've never been able to make a single decision in my life. So I generally look at life from the perspective of so many different people and now I'm out of people. And I have to make decisions, and I don't know what to do. No one has ever told me what to do or who to be. Ever supported me or influenced me. I have such a head ache. Everyone around me seems real, they look sound and smell so real. But I'm just not there. I don't know where I am. I'm not anybody. I'm just existing and I need to be someone. Also I think I'm narcoleptic, I don't fall a sleep during the day but I really want to. Your words really resonate with me. Im so indecisive about everything as well. Probably because I dont care about much and because I am so anhedonic, nothing really inspires me to do anything. Its like hmmm... what to do today? Blah or meh. :| I always say I "exist" vs. living as well. Im much more of a perceiver of life than a participant. I can only complain about it to an extent because it is not as if I feel a drive to do something. Life is so stagnant. Its like this world was created without a niche for me. Everything I'm doing is fading into the background, talking, eating, walking. It's becoming so easy and predictable. We don't live in a world of reality, we live in a world of perceptions. ~ Gerald J. Simmons User avatar fluke30 Consumer 6 Consumer 6 Posts: 404 Joined: Thu Feb 02, 2012 10:55 pm Local time: Sat Jun 27, 2015 2:38 am Blog: View Blog (0)

Monday, May 25, 2015

OH, IT'S PROBABLY NOT THAT HARD

All you gotta do is create what the Gods could only hope to create. Like the other day, I had this image of Philip Guston singing Johnny Cash to me: "Don't take your plums to town, son, leave your plums at home, Phil."