Saturday, February 4, 2012

German Anal Wax

My sister's all excited about visiting Germany so I decided to give her the following advice: "So a couple of years ago I stayed in Hamburg by myself for about a month while Sarah was laid up with a broken leg in Canada. Did I feel bad leaving her like that? (It was just a couple weeks after our wedding.) Well, yeah, a little, I guess, but I HAD to go, you know, for work. No, really, I couldn't get out of it! Sure, I was the one who mostly set it up, but, you know, like they say, the dye had been cast. Anyway, I could tell you about plenty of madness I encountered over there but there is one element of strangeness that has stuck with me the most. Here's a fact- for some reason you can drink as much beer as you want in Germany and eat nothing but sausage and you will not gain weight. As a matter of fact, I figure I drank on the average of 5 or 6 (who am I kidding? 7 or 8, sometimes 9 or 10) beers (large, heavy beers) per night and ate at least one big plate of currywurst or bratwurst or whatever the hell else it was I ate and I actually LOST weight. I'm serious, I had never been more lean in all my life! I actually shot a lot of fitness shit over there. And my shoulder was all fucked up from climbing, and my knee, so I wasn't even working out! I know, I know, it just doesn't make any sense, none whatsoever. I mean, literally, sometimes I would be in bed, trying to fall asleep and I would be consumed by thoughts of steaming sausage. I mean, oh my God, wait until you try that shit! Anyway, I can remember many times succumbing to the weakness and I would leap out of bed, throw on some clothes, and I would shuffle down that creaky old stairwell and out the door out onto the cold wet street and down the block to that glorious little stand where that lovely bearded man with his white paper hat stood caring for his beautiful row of logs he kept sizzling like a chorus long into the night (man, I'm really getting nostalgic for those things. sorry.). Now, although this IS very odd, this concept of dieting by consuming nothing but beer and sausage, it is still not the strangeness I was talking about. It has much to do with the strangeness but it is not the strangeness itself. The strangeness is this- I had to get up early one morning for a job and for whatever reason I had decided the night before to NOT eat any meat in the shape of an erect penis or drink any beer, but instead, I opted for some sort of barley/quinoa salad with nuts and fruit with a glass of wine at some restaurant down the street, and so what happened was that morning after coffee, I sat down on the pot and while everything seemed quite normal, when I went to wipe, I'm telling you what I wiped out of my ass was no less than a big ball of hardened, yellow wax the size and shape of um... say, like one of those dabs of ribbed butter they top your stack of pancakes with at Wafflehouse or Denny's. That's right, that's what came out of my ass! WAX! So, you know, anyway, all I'm saying is although on one level you may be able to get away with drinking all that good beer and eating nothing but sausage, you may want to reconsider. I mean, obviously it is not good for you. But then again, like they say, you only live once. At least we hope. Anyway, have fun Becky Bram! Becker ta ta teeeeee! Wish we could go. You know, Henry and all. Hey, do you think you could make a candle out of that stuff? Just a thought."

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