DEAR PHILLY (NEEDING TO BE FUCKED)

DEAR PHILLY: I am a Jewish woman in my early 30s. I am on my second marriage. My first husband was not Jewish, which was a terrible disappointment to my parents. He was Irish. He was both physically and emotionally abusive from the beginning. He was a large, intimidating man. A raging alcoholic painter. I stayed with him for far too long. What can I say? He just had this thing over me, this sexual control. I can’t explain it. I craved his intensity, his mind, his soul, his body. He’s actually quite famous now. My new husband... well, he couldn’t be more opposite. He’s just so kind and gentle. He’s a computer programmer. “The nicest guy you’ll ever meet,” people are always saying. And to my parent’s delight, he’s Jewish. Anyway, we have only been married for a little over a year and well, to be honest, I am already repulsed by the man. I don't even know where to begin. For instance, he picks his nose continually. He does it right in front of me. It's like I'm not even there. When he gets a booger, he will roll it around endlessly between his thumb and forefinger. It's disgusting. Whenever I say anything, whenever I ask him about it, I kid you not, he will look right at me while he's still rolling the thing around and he'll say, "I’m not picking my nose, I’ve just got all this dry skin up there." Oh, and he's always playing with himself. I'll look over while we're watching tv and it's like he's in some sort of trance, like he doesn't even realize he's doing it. I mean, you know, I get it, I know how men are, but this is different. I don't know, the way he plays with himself, it's... well, it's just not normal. He does it with just one finger, like he sort of flicks at it. I don’t even think he has an erection when he does it. It’s like some sort of comfort thing. He looks like a little girl discovering herself. 

He doesn’t drink, which is good I guess. He drinks tea at night. I don’t know, what sort of man drinks tea? He drinks it with tons of milk and sugar, the way his mother used to make it for him. Ugh... I don’t know why it makes me so sick. I’d almost rather him drink whisky like my ex husband. Anyway, all this is beside the point. Oh, I guess I’ll just come right out and say it. Please pardon my vulgarity here but there's just no other way to say it: He doesn’t fuck me. I mean, we have sex but he doesn’t FUCK ME. You know what I mean? My first husband used to slay me. God, I miss it so much. I’ve tried everything. I tell him I’ll do anything, I’ll try anything. The other day I even asked him to fuck me in my ass and he couldn’t even do it. I finally convinced him to try, that it was okay, but then he lost his erection. I was only doing it for him. I mean, my first husband would beg me all the time to let him fuck me in the ass. But he had a HUGE penis! Too big in fact. I mean you should’ve seen that thing. It was enormous. He would get angry at me because I couldn’t really give him head. I would try but my jaw would ache for days. My new husband..., I wouldn’t say his penis is tiny. Well, yeah, yeah, I guess I would. It’s just this skinny little thing. It’s all crooked too, and it arches up like a turkey neck. Well, more like a chicken neck. Haha. And then he’s got these strange little hairs growing beneath the tip. But I don’t even care about any of that. If he would just fuck me with it, I would be fine. I’m in my 30s now! I can’t imagine going through life never getting fucked again. I mean, I really do love him. Like I said, he’s kind and gentle. He’s smart and understanding. But sometimes a woman needs to be fucked! What can I do to get him to fuck me? Do you have anything to say on the matter? If he’d just fuck me, I think I could overlook all the other stuff. Yours truly, NEEDING TO BE FUCKED.

DEAR NEEDING TO BE FUCKED: Mazel Tov!