DEAR PHILLY (UTTERLY BAFFLED)

DEAR PHILLY: My wife left me over a year ago and I’ve recently lost yet another job. I don’t understand anything. When I say ‘anything’, I mean, I literally can’t think of a single thing that makes any sense to me anymore. I find myself mesmerized by the strangest things- a smudge on the wall, a dead fly, the black stuff under my toenails. I believe in nothing. I still see the beauty in the world, more so now than ever actually, but I know beauty is the greatest trick of them all, and always at the expense of enormous pain. People terrify me. I feel at any moment they’re going to turn and bite my face off. I still lust after women but I just don’t have the energy to get involved with them the way you must in order to sleep with them. I thought I was an alcoholic but I quit drinking almost 3 months ago and I feel even worse. I even started exercising and eating right. I now see women noticing me again which just makes me angry because they’re just as superficial as men. I don’t know what I’m asking you to tell me. I know I can't be helped. I’m just glad I never had kids. Thanks, UTTERLY BAFFLED.

DEAR UTTERLY BAFFLED: This is the most refreshing message I have ever received! I should be coming to YOU for advice. You’re right, you CAN’T be helped. I DO think you might be an artist, perhaps a writer. Of course, then you’d REALLY be fucked! Good luck, my friend. Go back to drinking and listen to lots of John Prine. Perhaps just save up and hire a prostitute from time to time. Your boy, Philly.

p.s. Ever thought of getting a cat? Cats are wonderful medicine for the unfit.”

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