DEAR PHILLY: (ALL ALONE BENEATH A SEA OF DARKNESS)

DEAR PHILLY: I am convinced I am losing my mind. If they could only promise me good food and my own tv, I swear I’d just go and check myself in today. I’m too afraid to kill myself so I just go on, day after day, staggering toward oblivion. I can’t decide which I hate more, the sun or the moon. I heard yesterday that Ted Danson died. I fell to my knees and wept for hours. Of course, I did not know Ted Danson, but it was just the saddest thing I have ever heard in my life. Well, I guess that’s about it. Sincerely yours, ALL ALONE BENEATH A SEA OF DARKNESS. 

DEAR ALL ALONE BENEATH A SEA OF DARKNESS: Ted Danson died! Are you serious? I didn’t hear this. Strange, I used to kid around for years, telling people that Ted Danson died. I don’t know, it was just a thing I liked to do. Man, that makes me so sad. He was just one of those guys that everyone liked. So humble yet so smart and kind. Damn. Now you listen here, bud, you’ve gotta snap yourself out of this. First of all, don’t go and do anything stupid like try to get help or check yourself into some hospital. Fuck that shit. I’d rather see someone kill themselves before they go that route. Look, all you need to do is just start a stupid blog that no one will ever read. Look at me, that’s what I did. Remember, losing your mind is the most wonderfully frightening thing you can ever do. Be careful with yourself. Don’t ruin it. NEXT!