DEAR PHILLY: DEPRESSED AND BLEEDING

DEAR PHILLY: It’s Memorial Day weekend and I’m depressed and on my period and it’s hot as hell and I was planning on buying an air conditioner for my apartment but now I can’t because I spent almost my entire paycheck at the vet on all sorts of tests for my 15 year old cat, George, only to find out he has some fatal disease called FIP. It’s just been me and George for so long now. It’s crazy but he really is my best friend. Poor guy, he’s lying beside me on my bed as I type these words. He has no idea... Oh, and get this, this morning I was walking down to the bagel shop and this old man in front of me drops his keys and when he bends over to pick them up, his entire package flops out of the leg of his shorts! I can’t even tell you how disturbing it was. As I went by him he smiled and said, “Now there’s a nice lookin’ young lady.” Ugh, why are men’s bodies so disgusting? Wait, that’s not my question so don’t answer that. Basically, my question is- So what the hell’s a girl to do over Memorial Day weekend when she’s depressed and on her period and it’s hot as hell and she doesn’t have air conditioning and she’s broke and she doesn’t want to see anyone and her cat’s dying and she can’t get the disgusting image out of her mind of some old man’s big hairy balls dangling halfway down to his knees? Any advice? DEPRESSED AND BLEEDING. 

DEAR DEPRESSED AND BLEEDING: “Halfway down to his knees”? Really? Damn, I can’t wait to get old! I suppose I should consider myself lucky in the fact that I really can’t say I got the short end of the stick but, you know, it’d sure be nice to experience the feeling of actually “balling” whenever I was balling. But enough about me. Here’s what we must do to rectify this situation. What you need is comfort and distraction. Let’s tackle comfort first. I think I saw those little 5000 BTU air conditioners at Walmart or Target for like $100. They’re light and easy to install and we have one in our boy’s room that works better than that beast of a thing we have in the living room. Get one pronto! Put it on a credit card if you have to. If you don’t have a credit card, ask a friend or a family member for a loan. You’ve got some real good pity points working in your favor with poor old George. Shit, I just thought of something. You probably could’ve worked an angle on that old dude with the dangling balls. Oh, well. Anyway, get it through your head, you need that air conditioner! You DESERVE that air conditioner! You’ll get it; I have faith in you. Now, after you’ve slapped that sucker in and fired it up to full blast, we’re gonna need to talk about distraction. We’re talking food, drink, and entertainment. Cool yourself off for a while and then we’re gonna go shopping. Don’t worry, we’re not gonna break the bank. But you WILL need the following (aside from tampons, pads, and Advil, pot or whatnot)- 3 bottles of white wine, 1 for each day, whatever your preference. You can get a good bottle of Italian Pinot Grigio for like $11 or $12. We don’t want you cooking so we need easy shit- chips, snacks, those Gino’s pizza rolls are pretty good. I also like those layered mexican dips. You’ll need ice cream or chocolate or both. Maybe get some pre-maid chocolate chip cookie dough? Basically just load up on all your favorite comfort foods. Remember, it’s a long weekend, 3 days! Okay, now, hopefully you have a tv with a DVD player and an account at some movie rental store. If not, I know you have a computer so maybe you can stream them in that way. Okay, so now here’s what you’re gonna do. You’re gonna make a list of 20 of your favorite movies and shows. We’re talking feel good stuff here, nothing too dark. Then you’re gonna compare your list with the list I’ve provided for you down below and see if any of the ones on your list appear on mine as well. Okay, so those you can watch. The others are out. Between those and the rest of the ones on my list, I think you’ll be covered all the way through the weekend. Remember, my prescription for you is to do NOTHING till Monday night except eat, drink, pet George, sleep, and watch as many of these as possible. You promise? Okay, good, here’s your list:

1. The Big Lebowski
2. Pulp Fiction
3. Raising Arizona
4. Big Wednesday (Gary Busy at his best) 
5. Anchorman
6. Sexy Beast (you can stop watching after they kill Ben Kingsley’s character. It’s not funny after that) 
7. Crumb (my favorite movie of all time)
8. Baxter (hard to find French film about a dog- dark but hilarious)
9. Baraka (uplifting documentary, especially the chicken factory)
10. Vicky, Christina, Barcelona 
11. I Love You, Man
12. Tex (old Matt Dylan movies make me happy)
13. The Outsiders (“”)
14. Over The Edge (“”)
15. Curb Your Enthusiasm (any or ALL seasons)
16. The Royal Tenenbaums 
17. East Bound And Down (any or ALL seasons)
18. Goodfellas (My wife and I both find it funny)
19. Sideways
20. No Country For Old Men (Javier’s role is hysterical)

okay, so there’s 20 of my favorite feel good movies of all time. If you blow through those, just message me again and I’ll be happy to give you some more. Feel better. Give poor George a kiss from uncle Phil. NEXT!!!!