Tales From The Big House

‎"Dude, that is so fucking funny! I can't watch porn without smoking crack and I can't smoke crack without watching porn... What a great line! Can I use that sometime? How old was that guy again?"

"He's like 68 or 69. He's got a kid he's never seen. He was telling me this story about this. He walked into a coffee shop and there was this girl sitting there by herself. Tall girl. 6 feet I think he said. And um, he walks up to her. I'm telling you this is like 20 years ago, he's, you know, 48. So he walks up to this girl and he says I'm a photographer for this New York magazine. He said which one but I forget, I'm not sure. Um, so he um, he says, I think you have a great look, a look we're looking for, and I would like to shoot you if at all possible. I'm in town for 2 or 3 days. He lives in Toronto! This guy LIVES in Toronto! Um, and so she agrees! And he's like my studio's available right now um, and um, she agrees! And he's scrambling because he told her he's a hairstylist also, to even up her bangs or something or something about her hair in the back or something so he gets her back to his place, to his studio apartment. This gorgeous apartment. His father was the co-founder of the WWF. So it's this beautiful apartment and he brings her up there and he's scrambling to make himself look authentic. He didn't even know if he had a camera. He didn't think the bit was gonna work on the girl, he was just taking a shot. I think he had a video camera. It was like a hand held video camera and he says... Anyway, that wasn't the point. He said he was a hairstylist and he was gonna do her hair and fix it up. He's high on crack at this point. He was on a 3 day bender. And so he's just improvising and he said he grabs a, these meat cutting shears out of the kitchen, they're these HUGE scissors, and he starts cutting her hair and he's, he doesn't know what he's doing. So he cuts her hair and um, he takes this video shot of her with this video camera and long story short, he, he's fucking her in his bedroom right and they were like fucking for like 3 hours he says and he says he puts her finger in her ass, because this is what we were talking about right, we were talking about whether any of us had ever licked a girl's butthole or not. And so he sticks his finger in her ass and he's feeling around and he thinks he's found a package, like of drugs. I mean this guys has been in jail his whole life! In and out! So that's what you do when you're in jail, that's what you do, you bring drugs into jail in your ass. And so he decides to pull the package out of her ass. And it turns out it's not a package, it's a shit. He pulls our her shit. I mean, she just shits all over him! He's got shit all over his hands. And so, you know, when this happens, so as this happens, someone walks into his apartment, as this is going on. Goes into the bedroom and um, it's his MOM! And she's like WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON HERE?! It's her apartment, and he's not even supposed to be there, he’s a criminal, and... well, long story short, the girl says to her how he told her he was a photographer and she runs into the bathroom and looks in the mirror at her hair and her hair is all crooked, I mean, he fucking BUTCHERED it! And she starts LOSING it and she was gonna call the police and his mom ends up giving her like $3000 dollars to just leave and not cause a stir. Well, anyway, that's it. But he's just a crazy fucking old man, and he's crying, laughing, telling us this story. He's 68, 69 years old and he's got a million of these stories, he's fucked. I mean, we just wanted to know if he'd ever licked a girl's butthole, we didn't know he was gonna tell us THAT story..."