Phone Conversations With My Mother

"MOM! Are you watching this!?"
"What? What happened? I've been in the yard." 
"Oh my God! Hurry, turn on the t.v.!" 
"What is it? Philby, if you're..."
"Mom, I'm serious! Just turn on the t.v.! Oh, my God! Where's Becky?!"
"Philby, what is it?! You're scaring me!"
"Oh, never mind, you missed it. It was Billy Chrystal. I wanted you to see his face, he's..." 
"PHILIP ADAM BRAM!"
"No, Mom, it's unbelievable! He's hosting the Oscars!"
"That is NOT funny! You really scared me, damn it!"
"Sorry... Hey, do you remember that time Dad caught me masturbating with your massager?"
"PHILBY!"
"Oh, wait. No, I think you were in the hospital. Oh, my God. I mean that thing was like... I mean, it's a wonder I was ever able to have normal sex."
"PHILBY!"