DEAR PHILLY: (ASSFACE)

DEAR PHILLY: Last night my wife talked me into watching the movie, Hall Pass, with Owen Wilson and that other dude I’ve been seeing a lot lately. I don’t know his name but he’s really fucking funny. He plays Owen’s sidekick. He really stole the show. Anyway, the movie was okay. There were some funny moments here and there. Oh, and get this, cousin Leon from Curb was in it! Man, I miss that show. Anyway, we both knew going into it that it was going to be one of those movies that are designed to stir shit up between couples. Hey, remember Eddie Murphy, Raw I think it was, when he did the whole “no such thing as a loyal man” routine? Man, I haven’t seen that in years. He was fucking awesome back then! What the hell happened to him? Hey, that’s exactly what you were talking about in that DEAR PHILLY you did yesterday, the one about the eggs! See, somebody reads your shit. Okay, I know I know, I’m rambling here. So anyway, we’re watching the movie and drinking some good red wine. We’re really having a good time. UNTIL we come to this scene where this hot blond girl turns around and bends over and Owen and that other dude are just standing there, mesmerized by this girl’s ass. And let me tell you, this was one of the greatest asses I have ever seen in my entire fucking life! I mean, I’m a fucking ass man, brother. I know ass. I mean, you really need to watch this movie just to see this thing! So anyway, here’s the thing, just as the camera closes in on her ass, my wife turns and looks at me with her eyebrow raised. She even paused the movie. There was nothing I could do. I couldn’t even try to hide it. I’m serious, I literally had to wipe the drool from my mouth. I guess that’s what made me start laughing. I mean, it’s just so ridiculous right, that some girl’s ass in some movie can affect us like that? I couldn’t stop laughing. “You make me sick,” my wife told me. Now, I don’t know if it was the wine or what. You know, I’ve just been going through some sort of thing lately. It’s crazy. Scary even. I mean, I just don’t give a fuck about anything really. Someone told me the other day that there’s some sort of shit going on with the planets or something. So anyway, instead of letting the moment pass or trying to make light of it or something, here’s what I said, here’s what I decided to tell my poor wife: “Oh, you have NO idea! You couldn’t even begin to imagine. All I think about is ass. Ass ass ass ass ASS! I just like saying the word even. It’s a fucking disease, a sickness! I mean, that’s literally all I do, all day long every goddamn day of my fucking life, is look at women’s asses. It’s taken over my life. I thought all this shit was going to ease up with age but it’s just gotten worse, WAY worse. I look at a piece of fruit and it looks like an ass. I’m fucked up, I’m like demented or something. I mean, I almost ran over a man at a crosswalk the other day because I thought I saw a nice ass! It turned out to be some like 80 year old woman who dropped something on the sidewalk....” I even went on a little longer with it but you get the idea. By the time I finished, she was just staring at the wall. She was so disgusted, she had tears in her eyes. I couldn’t believe I said all of that to her. I mean, what the hell’s wrong with me? I must be losing my fucking mind. “I’m sorry,” I told her. “I was just playing around. Really, I’m serious, I love you, I was just kidding!” She put her glass of wine down and stood up. As she went up the stairs I said, “Hey, I love your ass more than anyone’s!” So, you know, now I have no idea what to do. I can’t take it back. She knows I was being serious. She won’t even speak to me today. Oh, and get this, on top of it all, after she went to bed, I spilled wine all over the couch. Our couch is white! I think I'm gonna write to Larry David, that club soda and salt thing doesn’t do shit. So Philly, tell me, brother, what the hell’s a nigga sposed to do now? Flowers? JEWELRY!? Your bud, ASSFACE.

DEAR ASSFACE: OMG! Dude, this is crazy! My wife and I just watched that movie the other night! I know exactly what you’re talking about. You’re right, that girl’s ass WAS fucking amazing! My wife looked at me too but I was smart enough to pretend to be checking a text, which, of course, I then got in trouble for doing while I was supposed to be watching a movie with her. Now, I have no idea what would’ve ever possessed you to say such a thing. That movie was already pushing a hard truth upon her. But look, here’s the thing, deep down, women know all too well how absolutely disgusting we are, but they really don’t want to have to think about it. And although my favorite quote of all time is this: “You’re only as sick as your secrets.”, when it comes to the male/female relationship, most things really are best left as secrets. Most everyone says they want to know the truth but few are prepared for its ramifications. If you’re like me, which I can tell from your words you are, not only do you crave the truth, you crave the absolute knock-you-on-your-ass-for-the-rest-of-your-goddamn-fucking-life horror that it brings. Make no mistake, all truths lead to a single, all encompassing truth, and that truth is death. I was just re-reading Bellissimo. In the 13th song of The Sacred Fountain, Omar and his followers stand and sing: “Blessed Are Those Who Stare At The Sun”. Think about it. Anyway, as far as what I think you should do to amend the situation with your wife, I would say, do nothing. Speak no more of it. Let it settle, let it pass. It will soon sink back down to that dark bottom and things will be back to good ol’ “normal” again, I promise. It’s like when I was a child, I once walked in on my father ramming his thick meat into my poor mother from behind. I thought I would never recover. But like they say, time heals all wounds. I suppose buying her a new sofa couldn’t hurt. NEXT! 

p.s. Oh, hey, is that true about the planets? Man, that would make a lot of sense. I’ve really been all fucked up too!