DEAR PHILLY: (ALL SHUNNED AND LONELY)

DEAR PHILLY: I have asked three different girls to go to the movies with me and they all said no or nothing at all. Is it time to start asking guys? ALL SHUNNED AND LONELY. 

DEAR ALL SHUNNED AND LONELY: First of all, if you really think it’s at all  possible, I would highly recommend and encourage any man to go gay. Shit, I always wanted to be gay just so my father would’ve had to deal with having a gay son. It would’ve looked so good on him at the time. Anyway, I’ve had many gay friends throughout my life, more now than ever (Hi guys!), and as long as they’ve allowed themselves to mature and slough off all those ridiculous gay affectations (Right? I mean, come on, is there anything more painful to be around than that? Those young, openly gay clones of all those other young, openly gay clones? Alright, enough already. We get it, you’re gay. So what the hell else are you? And when did you decide to start talking like that? Come on, let’s hear it, I know you have a real voice down in there somewhere.), they always seem to wind up being the happiest ones of all. It seems to me that it’s often the most natural things in life that kill us the quickest. Bacon is the first thing that comes to mind... Wait a minute, hold on, that didn’t come out right. I certainly wasn’t meaning to imply that being homosexual is in any way unnatural. I just watched a show on Nova where many scientists now believe that upwards of 40% of even pre-neanderthal men were gay. They recently found another skeleton of a boy near lake Turkana in Kenya just a few hundred yards from where Kamoya Kimeu and Richard Leakey found Turkana Boy, fossil KNM-WT 15000. And get this!... Oh wait, shit, my brother-in-law’s calling. This is perfect! Let’s hear what he has to say on the matter:

“Hi Bryce.”

“Hi.”

“How’s it going?”

“Oh, it’s going alright, same as usual,... terrible. I’m a fuckin’ snowman in July.”

“Haha. Hey, what are butt bones called?”

“Oh, I don’t know. I think it’s really just all muscle, I don’t know.”

“It’s not the coccyx (looking at Wikipedia)... Wait, it says here they’re just called sit bones. I’m doing this DEAR PHILLY and I’ve got this fossil skeleton of a boy they found near Turkana Boy and I’ve gotta somehow make him gay. (I read him the above writing up to where he calls)”

“Haha! That’s great! It’s fuckin’ brilliant!”

 “Thanks, man.”

“I mean it, man. You’re really onto something with this shit. I’m telling ya, man, it’s like, I don’t know, it’s just like fuckin’ loose, man.”

“Yeah, it feels right. I don’t know. I love writing this stupid shit more than anything. It’s so fuckin’ fun! It’s funner than climbing. It’s right, right? I know it’s right.”

“Oh, it’s right.”

“Right? It’s right. Right? It’s gotta be right.”

“It’s definitely right.”

“Haha. Yeah, I think it’s right.”

“That’s pretty good advice. All men would be better off being gay.”

“I know, man. I almost think I could do it. I mean, I’m not scared of that purple headed monster. I’m not even scared of the balls. It’s just the hairy asshole I can’t deal with. The hardened ring.”

“Haha, I know I know. Hey, I got a got a date on Saturday.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah, she’s pregnant.”

“What? No she’s not.”

“Haha. I’m not kidding.”

“She’s pregnant?”

“Four months. We’re either going bowling or we’re gonna go to the movies.”

“Are you serious? Dude, that’s crazy! Don’t date a pregnant woman. Are you serious, she’s pregnant?”

“Dude, you should see her tits.”

“Well, yeah, dude, she’s pregnant. Who is she?”

  “She’s only twenty years old. We work together at McDonald’s.”

“This is crazy. I mean, who’s the father? That’s fucking dangerous.”

“No, she’s got a restraining order on him.”

“Haha! Dude, that just fucking tells you everything right there! Come on, Bryce, this is like the craziest thing I’ve ever heard!”

“I KNOW! Haha. But, man, this girl fucking LOVES me!”

“Remember this, any girl that loves you eventually will not. I mean, you really gotta think like that, like what will it be like with this person once she no longer loves me. That’s how everyone needs to think.”

“Dude, it’s like your hindsight is my foresight.”

“Haha. Now that’s fucking funny!”

  “Anyway, I just wanna fuck her. Man, I’m fucking tired of pulling out. You should see her tits.”

“(hearing a voice) Is that your mom?”

“Yeah.”

“Does she know?”
“Yeah.”

“And so what did she say?”

“She just said to be careful.”

“Dude, you guys are like the most fucked up people I have ever known in my life! Man, you really gotta get out of there.”

“Oh, dude, you have no idea.”

“Well, take her bowling. It’s like this DEAR PHILLY I’m doing. I can’t understand why anyone would take someone to the movies on the first date. I mean, that’s just like the worst thing you could ever do.”

“Yeah, you just gotta sit there and watch the movie. It’s stupid.”

“Exactly. (Sarah now walks in) It’s Bryce,” I tell her. “He’s going on a date with a pregnant girl.”

Sarah: “WHAT!? Are you serious?”

Me: “Saturday night, they’re going bowling.”

Sarah: “BRYCE, THAT’S INSANE! THAT’S TOO MUCH BAGGAGE!”

Me: “It’s the definition of baggage!”

Bryce: “Haha. I know I know.”

Me: “And dude, like trust me, her pussy’s gonna be all hot and weird.”

Sarah: “That’s sick! You’re sick!”

Me: “He just wants to be able to cum inside her.”

Bryce: “Haha!”

Sarah: “I don’t want to hear that. You’re fucking disgusting!”

Me: “Haha! Hey, Bryce, I gotta go, man. I’ve gotta finish this DEAR PHILLY before I have to pick up Henry.”

Sarah raises her eyebrow at me. She hates it when I write my DEAR PHILLY column. I think it actually frightens her. It’s a real problem. 

Bryce: “Okay, man. I’ll talk to you later.”

So, anyway, sorry if that was rude, taking that phone call like that. I guess it didn't shed much light on your problem. But hey, at least it helped me out, as I really don’t think it’s possible to come up with a way to prove scientifically even in fiction that a 1.5 million year old fossil is gay. Come on, you gotta admit, it was a pretty ballsy move though right? So, you know, let’s just ignore all of that and I’ll just move right along and wrap this thing up like this: Here’s the deal, ALL SHUNNED AND LONELY, if 3 girls turn you down, there must be something going on. And since I know you personally, and know you to be an extremely charming, intelligent, sweet, handsome, kind, sensitive, philosophical gentleman with two of the dreamiest, puppy-dog-like eyes in the Hudson Valley, I must come to the conclusion that the Gods’ are stepping in and trying to tell you something. Perhaps it is their way of trying to keep you focused on something important like, oh, I don’t know, say opening a brewery or a distillery of some sort. It’s just so easy to let things get in the way of our dreams, our callings, and the best company and even sometimes love comes only when we are being true to ourselves. And let me tell you, now that you’ve moved into town, I often see you walking around on your days off, walking around all slow and leisurely, following whatever whim that arrives in your mind, and I couldn’t think of a better thing you could be doing for yourself. I’m jealous in fact. So for now, whenever you find yourself feeling lonely, why not just think of Turkana Boy? I made that up about them finding that other fossil. They’ve been digging around that area since the late 70’s and haven’t found anything anywhere near as old as him. That’s right, poor little Turkana Boy died all by his lonesome, 1.5 million years ago near some lake in Kenya. He was between 7 and 15 years old, and 1.63 m tall. What’s that, a little over 5 feet? So imagine him out there, standing all alone at the edge of that crazy world. Was he scared? Fuckin‘ a right he was scared! Was he lonely? Could anyone be more lonely? Just promise me this, if you end up starting a brewery, at some point will yo do me a favor and name one of your beers Turkana Boy? Perhaps a big ass IPA? I really think he’d like that. NEXT!