WE TAKE IT WITH US

It's an awful fix. You know, you want to see everything. How can you not? I just can't understand people who don't need to see as much they possibly can. I mean, what else is there to do but try to see? But then you've seen it, you've seen more than you bargained for. Especially now with the internet and shit. I know I've seen too much. I see too much every day, from beheadings to camel slaughters to a mass of maggots crawling around in some poor bastard's brain. You don't even need to go to war to go to war anymore. You just Youtube the shit and you got it. People may argue with that but I believe it deeply. If you have a healthy imagination and an enormous amount of sympathy, and you know, you'll need to check your ego and eliminate that identity thing, but really, I'm serious, I'm not exaggerating, you're as good as there; it might as well be you that it's happening to. But all of this leaves you in a hell of a trance. It's not a depression so much as it's just that you've run out of illusions, you're ready to face that next step. But what is that step? What is there to do with yourself before you die? Me, I can still always laugh. Things can still be incredibly funny, and the world has never been more ridiculous. It's a goddamn smorgasbord for a guy like me! And, you know, the love only increases. Even if you don't know how to express it, our love over time just keeps growing, it just keeps welling up inside us. But our love is a sad love. You try to remember things, the laughter, the way it felt, the way someone looked at a certain moment. It's all very dreamlike. My kids, I mean, Jesus Christ, I can barely even look at them sometimes. They crush me, they absolutely crush me. I don't know, I think one way or another, we all get to a place where it seems there is no now anymore. What is happening feels like it's already a thing of the past, just like the rest of it. It feels like you're falling, or floating through it. You feel like a ghost, like you were never a part of it at all. But you keep looking. And it can be anything really, anything at all. There's always something being revealed. In every moment without exception, no matter how trivial, there's always something incredible going on. You don't know what it is but you know it's there. So, you know, I've never been religious, but I'm definitely convinced that we take it with us, wherever it is we go, I think we take it with us.

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