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     It was our last night at the in-laws in Canada and after 7 impossible days of endless tension and drama in a stuffy house packed with so many goddamn people, I was never once able to even take a shit in peace without footsteps and knocks, I finally, FINALLY found myself in the fragile glory of solitude and so I poured myself a big fat glass of shitty local wine and plopped my worthless ass down on the couch. As I flipped open my computer, I said to myself, you better go easy on yourself, Philly, it's been a long, drunken week and you're gonna have to wake up in just a few hours to drive that hateful drive back to Beacon (Never buy a Honda Element, folks, not if you plan on driving more than a couple hours. It's like driving a goddamn Jeep. And the seats don't even have armrests.) Maybe you should just watch some Louie or a few bot fly or cyst removal videos? But you know me, I just couldn't help myself, and so I ended up watching a half dozen or so camel slaughter videos which are by far the most hideous of all animal slaughter videos. It's not just their sheer size and those incredibly long, muscular necks, but there's something about those big eyes and those long curved eyelashes and that overall dopey expression that remains on their face even as gallons of bright blood is rushing out of them. So then after that, wouldn't ya know it, after pouring myself another glass of wine, I stumbled upon the most disturbing beheading video I have ever seen. It was a video from 1999 in Dagestan where the Chechen Mujahideen behead 6 Russian soldiers in the most grotesque ways imaginable. I ended up watching the damn thing 3 times. But then I looked and saw that it was 12:47 a.m. which actually made me cringe harder than the video, and I finally decided to close the computer. I was halfway up the stairs when I heard the baby cry. I stopped and hung my head. It would be another 45 minutes before I would finally get to sleep where I dreamed a strange dream where the only thing that made any sense at all was a large talking penis... Only to be woken up at 5:00 to pack the car in the rain in the dark on a belly full of hardened shit and we said our goodbyes and we were off. Not an hour into our lovely trip (thank God, just after Henry fell asleep), we came across a terrible accident and we saw police and firemen standing around a dead body out on the grass, covered with a yellow tarp. "Oh, my God," said Sarah with her hand over her mouth, "what do you think happened?"
     "I don't know."
     11, that's right, 11! screaming hours later, we were back in Beacon, back to a mailbox spilling over with bills and no toilet paper or food, and we found a few mouse turds and mold in the coffee maker. We ordered takeout and Sarah got the baby down while Henry and I went to go pick it up and I stopped and got two bottles of white wine and some food and coffee. When I pulled into the driveway, I saw that someone had messaged me. It was Sarah: "Hey, don't forget toilet paper!" Shit, I thought, well, I hope we have enough wet wipes.