IT

"This IT you keep referring to. What exactly do you mean by IT?"

"I don't know. I don't really know how to explain it."

"Is it fear or anxiety, or is it more of a sadness?"

"It's everything, all of that. It's like this thing that comes and gets me. I can see now I've been running from it my entire life. That's what the whole thing's been about. I would get in shape and start modeling and I would travel around, but it would always come and find me. No one knew. You know, when you're on the cover of magazines and shit, it looks like you're doin' fine. It would affect my smile. It's like I had this smiling disease. I couldn't smile right. And I would get all weird on shoots and I would end up loosing clients. Or I would go to castings and I would look around at the other models and I just couldn't do it, ya know. I would just go get a beer or something. I remember once I was behind in rent and I booked this big job down in Miami for like ten thousand dollars or something, and I just, you know, I just couldn't get on the plane. I was with my ex-wife back then and I had her call the agency for me."

"What'd she say?"

"It was pretty funny really. She told them my cheese slid off my cracker. Haha."

"Oh dear."

"Yeah, that was it. That was the last job I had for like 5 or 6 years. That's how it went. I would stop modeling and I would hunker down and I would get some sort of job and I would start writing and then it would just get worse and worse and everything would fall apart. So then I would panic and I would get in shape and start modeling again and it just, you know, it just went on and on for years and years. But it got worse every time. The stakes just got higher and higher. And that's the thing, ya know. Right now I could get back in shape and start making pretty good money again but it doesn't get me anywhere. I've done all that. I'm just so tired. I'm tired of running from it. I'm absolutely exhausted. And I just, ya know, I just wanna write. I just... I need to be able to write!"

"But you've gotta understand that what you've just told me is an awful lot. You've got a new baby, two kids. You've got all these jobs and the writing and this IT you keep referring to. You're definitely exhausted. I can see that. Anyone would be. But I really need you to try to explain the IT okay? I need you to tell me how it makes you feel?"

"It feels like... Well, it's like this looming energy. It almost has a personality. It feels like at any moment anything can happen. Anyone can turn on you. I feel like I could say one word to anyone, ya know, friends or family, and it's like I feel like they could turn around and murder me. My imagination just goes haywire. And my nerves are just totally shot. When someone talks to me it's like I'm getting stabbed by their words."

"Yeah."

"And when I stand next to people I feel like I'm just going to explode or something. Or I just want to start confessing EVERYTHING to them. Mostly though, it's like I'm just completely overwhelmed with these envisionments. Is that a word, envisionment?"

"I don't think so, but I understand."

"Anyway, ya know, it's part of the reason I watch all the stuff I watch online, the autopsies and the beheadings and stuff. I don't know, I just gotta see it. I need to see everything. But it's this tension that wears me out. The first time I remember feeling it was when my mother would come home from the hospital and we'd have dinner ya know, and everyone would just sit around the table like nothing had happened. It just drove me fucking nuts. And you know, like we'll have dinner with friends and I just, I don't know, I just can't take it. I can't understand how people can talk about what they talk about."

"The small talk?"

"Yeah, it just drives me insane. I can't stand it. And so then I start getting all inappropriate. I just want to de-pants people or take off all my clothes and start running."

"A lot of people feel that way. Well, maybe not to the point of wanting to de-pants people. But the small talk. How's the weather? It doesn't make them any less. It doesn't make them stupid. There was a study where... well, it turns out that it's a very necessary thing for most people."

"Yeah, I know. I get that. But it's more than that. It's funny, ya know, even interesting conversations aren't interesting to me anymore. I only like conversations when I can eavesdrop on them. It doesn't matter how stupid they are. Actually, the dumber the better. It's the most exciting thing in the world to me. But if I'm in the equation, it just totally ruins it. It's no longer authentic, ya know. It's like I need to not exist. I'm sort of like that with a lot of things. Bodies, you know. I just want to inspect people's bodies. I don't mean in a sexual way. Like old men. Like their ears and stuff, ya know. Anyway... I don't want to get inappropriate but..."

"Hey, listen, I used to work at a VA hospital. I've heard it all."

"Okay, well... Hmmm. I forgot what I was going to say."

"That's okay."

"Oh, here's something, I just really, ya know, I'm not gay in any way but I'm like preoccupied with other men's penises. I wanna see them. I don't know, I feel like if I'm gonna have an honest conversation with another man then we should see each other's penises."

"Hmmm. I don't think that's abnormal."

"No?"

"No. Well, listen, Phil, that's our time."

"Really? That's it?"

"Yeah, that's it. Make sure you make an appointment with Sue on your way out. You take care of yourself. I'll see you next week."

"Thanks. You too."