MORE PHONE CONVERSATIONS WITH MOM 1/1/13

Mom: "You just want to shock people."

Me: "No I don't! I'm serious! I mean, why is that so crazy? Why can't I ask the plumber if I can see his penis? I just want to see things, I want to know things."

Mom: "Oh, you've seen one, you've seen 'em all."

Me: "Yeah, I guess you're right... Hey, Henry, say happy new year to gramma Karen."

Henry: "Happy new year, gramma Karen. I love you. I'm going on that really really fast hill with my bike and then again on another big big bumpy hill in the snow and I will crash really really hard! Okay, bye!"

Mom: "He's so cute."

Me: "He's insane. HENRY, STAY OFF THAT ICE!... I'm seriously thinking about checking myself into some hospital. i'm not gonna make it much longer with this mind."

Mom: "Oh, they'd just put you on medication and then you'd never write again."

Me: "They would, wouldn't they?"

Mom: "Of course they would."

Me: "So what should i do? What would you do?"

Mom: "I don't know, Philby. I don't understand anything anymore. It's all this internet crap if you ask me. It's just... Oh, I don't know, everything's just turning to shit."

Me: "Yeah, it is. It's incredible! I couldn't imagine a better time to be a writer if you could write it."

Mom: "Well then write it."

Me: "I am. I'm trying to.... Hey, what happened that time you jumped out of that police car?"

Mom: "What? I never did anything of the sort."

Me: "Yes you did! In Lubbock. You took off running through a field in your nightgown.!"

Mom: "I most certainly did not!"

Me: "Yes you did!"

Mom: "Philby, I promise you I did not. Maybe you SHOULD check yourself into a hospital."

Me: "Really?"