Monday, May 25, 2015

OH, IT'S PROBABLY NOT THAT HARD

All you gotta do is create what the Gods could only hope to create. Like the other day, I had this image of Philip Guston singing Johnny Cash to me: "Don't take your plums to town, son, leave your plums at home, Phil."

Thursday, May 14, 2015

What would the combined volume of the collected daily ejaculate of all the men on earth be?

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

The following is from a forwarded email. This is what passes for comedy in the elevated world of right-winged American thought. I included my response afterwards:

Dear Abby, My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me, and even hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do? Signed: Clueless Dear Clueless: Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman! You don't need him anymore! You're running for President of the United States. Act like it. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "A prime example of the absolute failure of all right winged comedy. I mean, seriously, I'm game for something good, but it never arrives. And there was such great fodder in that concept too. Any half ass weekend comedian could've done nearly anything with that. The art/music/comedy gap is mindbogglingly absurd. Dylan, John Prine, Lucinda to who? Kenny Chesney? Foxworthy, Larry The Cable Guy, to Louis C.K. or Larry David! Bruce Nauman or Cindy Sherman to… well, hmmm… Actually, I don't think there are any solid artists in your world. I just don't think they exist. Which is most interesting. Yes, when it comes to elevated thought, the right winged mind is like a sad, old woman, trying to be sexy. There's just no getting around a nasty heap of pubic fat. Stick to football, BBQ, and landscaping. GO BERNIE! Phil."

Monday, May 11, 2015

SOMETIMES

The best thing you can possibly do is eat a goddamn hot dog.

HIGHER LEARNING

Life IS failure, honey. People say you learn more from your enemies. I say, fuck that. Having enemies is child's play. You learn MOST from your victims.