Saturday, August 17, 2013

READING MY NEW MONSTER POEM IN THE WORKS, BOIL THE HEAD OF ANYTHING, OVER THE PHONE TO MY POOR MOTHER

"You don't think that's funny?"

"Not in the least."

"How do you not think that's funny?"

"It's repulsive. I don't know why you have to be so crude."

"I can't control how it comes out. It comes out how it comes out. I guess you wouldn't want to hear the next part then."

"What is it?"

"Well, I go into a couple lines about watching a camel slaughter and becoming a Muslim Republican and don't pay your taxes for five years, oh, and then chase a skunk naked at night with a headlamp and a hammer... And then it goes (haha), it goes, jack off to an old picture of your mother."

"OH, PHILBY! GOOD GOD!"

"What? It's just a poem."

IF

everything
everywhere
at all times
all at once,
then just how 
in the fuck?

A FEW QUESTIONS

Is what you're seeing and hearing already things of the past? Are shadows more real than the actual form? Do you look at people's feet and hands far more than their faces? Are chins always disturbing? Would you rather watch people shit than eat? Do you think of trees more deeply than anything? Is happiness and sadness an interwoven blanket in the coldness of a world gone wrong? Do you wonder if your memories are someone else's? But then as you near that inevitable edge, do you not also find yourself fearing so little that if say, you were about to be publicly beheaded for something you didn't even do, you would hardly think it much different than anything else that could possibly happen? Oh, also, now that you know there's nowhere left to go, nothing left to do, no one to meet or anything to discuss that could ever come close to matching the infinite wisdom that has always been there, growing silently inside you, do you not find the world so hysterically funny that you almost can't contain your laughter even at the most heart wrenching of sights? Anyway, you know, get back to me if you want. It really doesn't matter. I was just feeling a little curious for some reason.

OFFENDED

I don't know, I guess I've just never understood how anyone could possibly be offended by anything.

HOW DO YOU




at
least
not
see
that
there's
something
you
don't
see?

HEY, LETS

brush
our
assholes
and
wipe
our
teeth!

THE OTHER SIDE OF EVERYTHING

"Fuck that, go through it, beyond it, to the other side of everything. The highest level of literature and art is still human cowardice." -Skeet Giddens

DICK CHENEY


"What do you mean, you mean living?"

"Yeah, of anyone living, who would you want to meet?"

"Oh, that's easy, Dick Cheney."

ON AVERAGE



the
only
thing
worse
than
hearing
a
group
of
women
talking
is
a
group
of
men
talking

CLINGONS

I've never understood why the highly religious cling so desperately to ancient, regurgitated history and hearsay when to me, modern technology and science, as well as great works of art, pose a far more compelling argument for God. Those times when I've patiently listened to religious people talk about God or when I've found myself actually sitting through a sermon, always remind me of teenage boys talking about the spectacular sex they've never had.

IT'S A SHAME

that
most
art
is
wasted
on
the
"artists"

DON'T MIND THAT AT ALL

it's 
like
the
one
in
WOMEN,
the 
one
who
tells
Hank
the
moment
she
saw
the
crusty
shit-ring
in
his
toilet,
she
knew
he
could
eat
pussy

DANGEROUS AFFLICTION

To me, the most dangerous affliction of mankind is the negative blowback associated with someone who has thought long and hard and has completely changed their mind on a belief or an issue. How this somehow represents weakness, I will never understand. Under no circumstances are you allowed to agree with the other side. You don't believe me? Sit down and watch Bill O'Reilly with a few liberals. Now, I don't like Bill O'Reilly, as a matter of fact, I can't stand the sonofabitch, BUT I can still admit that he occasionally makes sense.

ALL OF A SUDDEN

I just remember all of a sudden not being able to look at magazine covers or fashion ads or especially rock band photos without literally giggling out loud with embarrassment.

SOMETHING OF AN ENJOYMENT

I always enjoy seeing shitty old cars parked in front of shitty old houses. I like seeing the Christmas lights dangling in the middle of summer. The dead flowers in broken pots. The yard full of tall weeds and yellow grass. Endless piles of dog shit and all those faded toys strewn about. Maybe there's a crooked swing set all rusted with busted seats? The trash can overflowing. A tire, a tarp, a tipped over basketball goal without a net. A wheel-less lawnmower, a shovel, a rake, a broom that's hard to believe has ever been used. I don't know, there's just something about it. There's something about those rickety stairs that lead up to that narrow porch crowded with an old couch or a mismatch of plastic chairs. Empty beer bottles and cans upon a wobbly table. A heap of cigarette butts in an ashtray. It always takes you a minute before you realize you've been hearing a terrible sound, and then you look up and see that enormous old air conditioner, hastily stuck in a window, about to fall out and kill someone. I'm really not sure what it is. I guess I like thinking about the life that must go on there. The kids in particular. The things they must hear and see. What their dinners are like. What their bedtime is. Well, hopefully they're not yet aware of the sadness their lives entail. And hey, the way things are going, they probably have a better shot than my kids. Anyway, of course, none of this is anything to envy, but for whatever reason, it is always far more interesting to look at than the rest.

PHIL'S GOLDEN RULE FOR YOUNG SONGWRITERS

Never ever, and I mean NEVER, write a song you can not imagine yourself comfortably and confidently performing at the age of 80.

THE JUXTAPOSITION



Of having to listen to a piece of shit like you use the word, juxtaposition.

AN IRREVERSIBLE PREJUDICE

The only irreversible prejudice I really have against any person is if I find out they liked the movie, Avatar.

EVEN DEATH



is
a
block
to 
unlock

CHEWED UP

"WHAT?!"

"(haha) I don't know, I've just never thought to look."

"Dude, that is fucking insane! You've GOTTA look! Every now and then you've gotta turn around in front of the mirror and spread your ass cheeks. You're in your 40s. That thing could look like a chewed up piece of bubblegum."

PROGRESS

all
roads
will
be
a
thing
of
the 
past

PEAKS

Have you ever whipped cream by hand? Just with a fork? It's like that. You don't stop until you get those peaks.

MEN IN BROWN

What percentage of UPS men do you think are undercover agents?

RAYMOND CARVER

Reading Raymond Carver gives me the confidence of a teenage virgin boy thrown onto a porn set.

THE GREATEST COMPLIMENT

"I gotta tell ya, I don't know anyone who's more conflicted than you. Half the time I don't even know what the hell you're talking about. And anytime I do, you turn around and contradict yourself. I don't think you even know what you're talking about half the time or what you actually believe in. It's like you're laughing at your own inadequacies, at your own incompetence."

"Dude, that's like the greatest compliment anyone's ever given me!"

ANIMAL INTEREST

I like the way a tired cat or a lion will flop down on their side and start licking a paw. I like the way bees' legs dangle when they fly. I like the way a bird will turn its head and look at you then look away. The movement of a turtle is interesting. The path of a moth or a butterfly. Fish in shallow water. The twitching muscles of a horse. Even just a bug crawling across your wall. All of these things are interesting, far more interesting than even the most interesting of humans.

TWO WORDS

I have 2 words to Youtube that will forever change your life: Camel Slaughter.

EMPTY

Hey, you know when you spend like $200-$300 at the grocery store and the next day or even that night, you open the fridge and the cabinets and there's literally NOTHING to eat? Well, that's basically how everything but what you're supposed to be doing is gonna feel like.

PROGRESS

all
roads
will
be
a
thing
of
the 
past

HAPPY

Nothing makes me happier than seeing construction projects that have run out of money.

IMPORTANT

Now, are you sure it wasn't more like a vine sneaking up on a wall? Or you know when you see a big fat log submerged in the water, the way it seems so important for it to be there?

THE TRICK OF THE TRICK

is 
to
yearn
only
to
never
again
yearn

HOLDING OUT

Ya know, I still think with enough concentration I can will a plane to go down.

POINTLESS

you
might
as
well
be
trying
to
rake
water

WHAT HAPPENED, MAN?

"What happened, man? I thought you guys were pretty tight?"

"Yeah, well, he told me he liked the band, Muse."

ON CHILDREN

Children are wonderful. There's nothing better on earth. But you must prepare yourself for the sadness. As wonderful as it is, there is a deep, heavy sadness, being a parent. It's like when I hear them laugh I'm already hearing it from the past.

WRITING WORKSHOP

"No, man, I'm telling ya, it's not like that at all. I mean, it is a workshop but it's really sort of more like um...."

"Dude, I would rather never write another word for the rest of my fucking life than go to something like that. It's fucking repulsive, it's pathetic. It would be like asking your father to show you how to jack off."

THE BUDGET


"I'm telling you, we could just do live feed porn. I think people really make money. I wouldn't have to go back to modeling. We'll just wear bunny heads or something."

"You're insane. Plus, I'm not bleaching my asshole."

"No, you wouldn't have to. We'd probably have to get a bunch of crazy toys and stuff but..."

"Okay, so here's everything we owe on bills and credit cards. How much is your American Express?"

"Fuck, I don't know. A LOT. Hey, what do you think of the title, Boil The Head Of Anything?"

"So look, if we set aside just a couple extra hundred dollars a week... Oh my God, you're disgusting!"

"What?"

"Don't act like you didn't just fart! It's not funny... Ummm, what do you think you're doing?"

"What?"

"If you post this I'm gonna kill you!"

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

NO TITLE NEEDED


     It was our last night at the in-laws in Canada and after 7 impossible days of endless tension and drama in a stuffy house packed with so many goddamn people, I was never once able to even take a shit in peace without footsteps and knocks, I finally, FINALLY found myself in the fragile glory of solitude and so I poured myself a big fat glass of shitty local wine and plopped my worthless ass down on the couch. As I flipped open my computer, I said to myself, you better go easy on yourself, Philly, it's been a long, drunken week and you're gonna have to wake up in just a few hours to drive that hateful drive back to Beacon (Never buy a Honda Element, folks, not if you plan on driving more than a couple hours. It's like driving a goddamn Jeep. And the seats don't even have armrests.) Maybe you should just watch some Louie or a few bot fly or cyst removal videos? But you know me, I just couldn't help myself, and so I ended up watching a half dozen or so camel slaughter videos which are by far the most hideous of all animal slaughter videos. It's not just their sheer size and those incredibly long, muscular necks, but there's something about those big eyes and those long curved eyelashes and that overall dopey expression that remains on their face even as gallons of bright blood is rushing out of them. So then after that, wouldn't ya know it, after pouring myself another glass of wine, I stumbled upon the most disturbing beheading video I have ever seen. It was a video from 1999 in Dagestan where the Chechen Mujahideen behead 6 Russian soldiers in the most grotesque ways imaginable. I ended up watching the damn thing 3 times. But then I looked and saw that it was 12:47 a.m. which actually made me cringe harder than the video, and I finally decided to close the computer. I was halfway up the stairs when I heard the baby cry. I stopped and hung my head. It would be another 45 minutes before I would finally get to sleep where I dreamed a strange dream where the only thing that made any sense at all was a large talking penis... Only to be woken up at 5:00 to pack the car in the rain in the dark on a belly full of hardened shit and we said our goodbyes and we were off. Not an hour into our lovely trip (thank God, just after Henry fell asleep), we came across a terrible accident and we saw police and firemen standing around a dead body out on the grass, covered with a yellow tarp. "Oh, my God," said Sarah with her hand over her mouth, "what do you think happened?"
     "I don't know."
     11, that's right, 11! screaming hours later, we were back in Beacon, back to a mailbox spilling over with bills and no toilet paper or food, and we found a few mouse turds and mold in the coffee maker. We ordered takeout and Sarah got the baby down while Henry and I went to go pick it up and I stopped and got two bottles of white wine and some food and coffee. When I pulled into the driveway, I saw that someone had messaged me. It was Sarah: "Hey, don't forget toilet paper!" Shit, I thought, well, I hope we have enough wet wipes.

Monday, August 5, 2013

MUTUAL ASSURED DESTRUCTION


"Man, that was a great time the other night."

"I'd say all expectations were exceeded."

"I love that town."

"That was certainly the goal, to plant the seed. We're keeping all that on the down low, right, that thing I told you?"

"Oh, man, I'd never say a word. Hell, I'll tell you something later that's 10 times as bad."

"Okay (haha), mutual assured destruction."

"Man, that's fucking funny!"

ANOTHER CARTOON I WOULD SUBMIT TO THE NEW YORKER IF I COULD DRAW AND GAVE A SHIT:


A pot and a kettle (both black) sitting upon a stove.

KETTLE: "Nigger"